Dear Rep. Adam Schiff,
The nation’s eyes are on you during this historic time in our country. We can see it’s stressful. Marathon testimonies and long nights are your daily grind right now. Respect. The nation is also concerned about your eyes. They’re frightening some and concerning others. There’s even an account dedicated to them on Twitter.
The footage of these hearings will be viewed, scrutinized, and archived for decades. We want you to look your best! We at Stryx created a men’s concealer tool just for this occasion. (Don’t worry; former Presidents and current Presidents wear makeup too. It’s 2019.) We want you to give it a try and look your best.
Here’s our offer:
We here at Stryx will gladly send you and your office our concealer tool totally free of charge
If you use our product, Stryx will donate $5,000 to a men’s shelter of your choice in your district
Stryx will help in any way we can to make you look damn handsome, and 5-10 years younger, for the cameras. We want to help you and every other guy look more handsome and feel more confident no matter who you’re prosecuting. We’re fans of democracy, freedom, and looking your best.
If someone from your team is reading this, email jack@stryx.com and we’ll get our products to you for the next round of hearings. If you’re not a part of Rep. Schiff’s team, then be sure to share and spread this on social media to make sure he sees it! #SchiffNeedsStryx
And don’t take our word for it. Listen to the people: